norming, storming, performing

Today our staff discussed the different phases of a group. The "norming" stage is the stage where the members of the group feel each other out, getting a sense for the personalities of others and discerning roles within the group. The "storming" stage happens once the members are fairly clear on who the others are and how they operate. At this point, their differences begin to cause conflict. The final stage is the "performing" stage. At this point, people have moved through the conflict and have learned how to perform together as a group, and how to use their differences as assets rather than liabilities.

Our head of staff noted that we are probably still in the norming stage as he has only been there for 2 or 3 months, and we are still adapting to his styles and re-learning our jobs and roles in a new system. I think he is mostly right, but I realized, quite suddenly this morning, that I am in the storming stage. I am antagonistic, opinionated, and occasionally just plain cranky here lately. The storming stage feels more like chaos than a path to something good, and I think that is where I am professionally, and maybe a little personally. The discussion gave me some hope that there will be some performing, a time when progress is made more efficiently, at the end of the storm. I feel that there is something hopeful and unbelievably exciting just around the corner, and part of my frustration is trying to figure out how to get there NOW.

And coupled with my impatience is my not so deep fear that I will miss the treasure that is there, just around the corner----that I will take a wrong turn or get lost in this forest that it feels like I am pushing through. Or that I will be too confident in my abilities or not confident enough . . . or something.

So, there it is: I am afraid, and excited, and antsy, and frustrated, and overwhelmed. It is as though the whole indescribable thing is too much and not enough, and I am scared and crazy with anticipation . . . all at the same time.

And I have no doubt it is annoying to my colleagues and likely my husband as well.


But I know that I am at the brink of something very, very good--

if these damn storm clouds would ever clear.

sometimes

things are broken beyond repair
the easiest choice is not the right choice
the right choice makes you cry
blameless people are blamed
good people don't act that way
"the way it was" is not an option
there are no good options
it is very, very sad.

*sigh*

Real Friends

I spent the summer after I graduated from college with two high school friends working random jobs on an island resort. It was a great summer. We had each gone to different colleges, and those months helped us reconnect in a way that christmas breaks just can't. We made a promise that summer that we would go on a trip every year.

We have never been the same and seem to only become more different. But, somehow it seems to matter less and less. Some of us have more money than others. One of us lives in the city. One of lives in our hometown. One of lives in husband's hometown. We have different jobs and different dreams and plans, but it just doesn't seem to matter.

We all went off to graduate schools and managed to fit our trip in most years. We missed the summer I got married. We missed the summer my dad died. But we remained committed.

This year was another wedding year, and we struggled to find a time away. We finally found one Friday night that we could all spend at a fancy spa.

The best laid plans . . .

A couple weeks before, my North Carolina friend discovered that her seemingly healthy 35-year-old husband needed open heart surgery. It was scheduled two days before our trip.

We planned to postpone, of course, but in the meantime, Virginia friend and I took our planned time off and drove to North Carolina. She didn't need us, and there was nothing for us to do. But we were there. Because we are friends. And when you have a friendship like ours that is just what you do.

When my dad died, Virginia friend was spending a year eight hours from home. After a trip home to visit her parents, she drove eight hours, learned my dad had died, turned around and drove eights hours back. Because we're friends. And that's what you do when you're friends.

There are a lot of things I don't like about getting older, but one of the joys is having friends who have known you through your best and your worst. They know the real you, the parts that have grown and changed and the changeless pieces of who you are.

At 21 we had no idea that our trips would be to funeral homes or hospitals, but that's real life and we are real friends. I wouldn't trade it.

What decade am I in??

I had this very nice thoughtful post in mind, but my thoughts were just interrupted by the telephone. I answered, heard a pause, and realized that it was a computer-dialed call. I always try to hang up before a real person can pick up, but I was too slow. "Lance" started telling me about the survey he was conducting, and I was planning my nice but direct "I'm not interested." But as he finished his spiel, he asked, "So, may I speak to the male head of the household?"


WHAT?!?


Are you kidding me? Seriously? September 2007 and the males are still the head of the household?



I paused briefly and replied, "There is no male head of this household."


And then I was planning my direct and not-as-nice, "And I don't want to take your stupid survey either," and instead Lance tells me, "Oh. I understand, ma'am. Thank you. Good-bye."

What the hell does he understand?

Somehow I don't think he understands at all.

*Smack!*

Do you ever feel that a reality that should have been obvious all along has smacked you in the face? We have a new senior pastor at my church, and he keeps emphasizing that we are about making disciples rather than raising the budget, maintaining our property, paying off our debt, paying our personnel, or having great programs.

Right. of course. I know that. But suddenly, I feel God shaking me hard and letting me know that I have not been living that way. We have great Christian Education programs, but do they make disciples? I'm not sure.

I've been asking myself over and over. Why? Why would I allow the emphasis to be programs rather than Jesus?

I think I know why. And I am frustrated with myself for the reason. I hate being disappointed. And often the church disappoints me. Over the last five years, I think I have unconsciously lowered my expectations in order to avoid being disappointed.

In fairness, I also have enough perspective to see some factors at play. My dad died three years ago. It was terrible . . .the most terrible thing that has ever happened to my in my privileged, sheltered life. I handled this loss fairly well, but grief takes energy, and my grief left little energy for dealing with disappointment. In addition, I have realized that the previous head of staff was not interested in educational programs. He was very focused on the church's finances, and we were constantly told that there was no money for programmatic things. I didn't have the energy to push against such a strong and influential force . . .or against the fear that he induced in the congregation and session.

Regardless of the reason, I think that both personally and professionally, I have underestimated God, maybe even belittled God. I don't think I have expected transformation in people or structure. I can talk about God's kingdom, but I haven't been acting as though it was anything more than an abstract seminary idea.

And I am disappointed in myself, and very, very sorry for living in such a small way. God deserves better. I can give more. The church deserves to have more expected of them.

So God and I are going to talk and figure out how I can do better . . . and how I can help the church do better. I will have to risk, which I am not good at. And I will have to be brave, which I am only good at sometimes. But God is big. I have to remember, and I have to believe.

Catch-up

In random order, this summer I . . .

. . .attended one conference and one mission trip.


. . .acted as head of staff for two weeks out of the summer while we were between Interim Sr Pastor and New Sr Pastor and Associate Pastor was on vacation. One week was chaos, one was good.

. . . visited a national park, went sea kayaking, witnessed lobster-trap-hauling, saw two Broadway shows, visited two major art museums, flew three times, enjoyed 4 evenings of gorgeous sunsets over water, was delayed one time, saw 8 relatives from other states, leaned how dysfunctional my family is and how much I love them anyway. . . all in 10 days.


. . .celebrated Husband's 30th birthday with an evening shindig that ended 5 hours before we had to leave for the airport for mentioned vacation (sleep was, unfortunately, optional).

. . .learned that I love the church I serve and will be staying for a while.

. . .ran a 10K with the associate pastor from the church and 54, 998 other people.


. . .agreed to preach at my home church for homecoming . . .even though some of them have decided they don't like female preachers

. . .wondered all over why summer never slows down like I think it will.

confessions and observations

Confessions: I am a celebrity news junkie. It is embarrassing. I find the whole celebrity craze ridiculous, and I am one of the people that makes it exist. I am rolling my eyes at myself right now. I actually gave up celebrity blogs for Lent this year. Yes, really. Now I only read one, and never from work. I feel so good about this step in the right direction that I am calling it a happy compromise and read my one blog daily with great delight and pride in my self-control. Oh, and I only buy the magazines if I am on a plane or or one vacation. . . . .

Observations: In case you didn't hear, Paris Hilton went to jail recently. Then she went home. Then she went back to jail. I truly believe that Paris Hilton is the epitome of everything that is wrong with American society at the moment. I was not sad that she would go to jail. I was a disgusted when she was released (and do I think that someone got paid off? yes, I do.) But I do feel a little bad that she has to face her consequences in such a circus. I know that everything about her is a circus. She brought it on herself, but still. No one likes to be scrutinized when she's at her worst.

That said, I think that I have diagnosed her "unspecified medical condition": She is suffering from a severe reality check. I think that reality just hit her like a truck for the first time in her life. It is a reality that most of us learn much earlier. None of us like it, but probably your mother taught it to you early just like mine did: Actually, the world doesn't revolve around you . . . Yeah, I think that 26 years of undiscovered reality is hitting her like a ton of bricks and has been known to cause "severe problems" such as hers.

I'm just sayin' . . .